Battling with my own conflict. With just a month until my flight and no word re my health insurance, part of me wonders whether to just sack off extending the ticket and just get on that plane next month and go.
I am also finding my life very ground hog day at the moment. Both in a work and social context. Things haven’t been helped by the whole team getting covid and me having to remind people constantly of basic hygiene practices. So not only do I have no workforce (of course they need to be off), but I also need to run errands for them and I am their ‘Momager’ essentially. Some blurred line between their manager and mother. Though I do not want to be acting as a mother. Manager is enough thank you very much.
I try to practice compassion but something inside me has me feeling that same angst and feelings I had back in London in 2012 before I left the big smoke behind. Am I someone happy to just flee? I have done it before, what is stopping me now? I am not even sure I want to do my Phd here anymore. Not sure what I want.
Not sure I feel valued anymore and whilst I am trying to practice compassion towards them, I am not sure I am getting it back much. Just because I make the crazy amount of things I do look easy, does not mean it is! Oh well. Need to remember that not everyone thinks in the same way. That people are not always necessarily being intentionally horrible but sometimes just a bit stupid or at least don’t think things through in as much detail as perhaps I do.
I seem to be letting my emotions get the better of me. Getting angry, sad and letting my feelings of drifting get to me. Need to remind myself of stoic practices and being able to let it go. Compassion is a tricky one. Whilst trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you need to remember to also not let people walk all over you.
I’ve had these feelings many times. People rarely think like us. You have to look inside yourself at times like these and discover if the juice is worth the squeeze.